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I'm not excited about being engaged.

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I never wanted to get engaged. I always said no. I said no 4 times between to 3 different men. I didn't want to settle. Everyone i know got married before or a little after they turned 21. i chased my career and and kept relationships on the back burner. I wasn't bitter, I wasn't jealous but yeah it irritated me. I get mad about it. Sometimes i was single, and sometimes i did have a relationship, a lot of the times maybe you could claim i toss it around. I know it's looked down on. I know these things but i just didn't care. i was young and just wanted to test the waters and have experiences first. My brain works completely different from everyone and i'm not a completely emotionally insecure creature in a rush to find her place in the world.

 

It's a miracle i even got engaged, anyone who knows me personally could tell you. Why in the fuck did anyone even want to settle with me anyways? I know there's so many women out there ready to trap and control the lives of men but i didn't set a whole better standard either just cause i sleep with them after processing them and then not give a fuck about what they want to do with themselves after wards. it was all mostly unrealistic relationship standards such encounters as... well details are not important but my fiance was a dude that lived through these encounters with me and thought whoa, she's the one! i guess considering the circumstances nobody needs to be happy for us. I don't care. i think i decided a long time ago i wasn't going to care. i was always saying marriage was not going to happen. Not because i was invested in my job, hobbies, interest and ambitions but also cause there likely wasn't a man alive to tolerate my choices and that was fair, why should they? but someone did. Now it's permanently exclusive.

 

 

What ever the relationship case was in the past, I simply wasn't married i wasn't attached legally so i wasn't in that wifey circle. I didn't get invited to thing's like dinner parties or play dates, baby yoga, double dates, I am the fucking Godmother of 3 kids out of convenience i suppose... and a few times they had me drop off baby shower gifts and then be on my way as they awkwardly played it like i was the one who was too busy to stay. It bites like hell just because when i try to be in a piece of that world for them they have to remind me that not my place. i don't have any business in that world. i wasn't married so that means i'm not family oriented or some contrived bullshit like that.

 

I get engaged now and announce my engagement in a flat indifferent tone to be honest. (I honestly don't hype these kind of things up, i don't think it's warranted to bragging rights. It's not special, everyone gets fucking married eventually.) and i get reactions of snickering and "honey you're 30, that ship has sailed, your due to retire in two years even. who gets married in their 30's? Girl you wasted your prime. we stopped being like the sex in the city chicks ages ago and you're getting the memo now?" (theye where never like sex in the city they are like the stepford wives... way more cringy)

 

Well... okay.... okay whatever i wasn't even that happy for myself, this isn't life changing to me cause i won't let it be, i don't need that tax break or an insurance update that badly anyways... I know I don't deserve this event anyways because I've been curbing my fiance on and off for 3 years so i'm just gonna be humble about it but you know the guy, you were always on his side, you always tried to be behind his effort to pursue me, you could at least be proud of him, this is his achievement. Well whatever, I didn't need you squealing like a beaten pig anyways but you don't have to be passive aggressive about it either. I pretended to be excited for you. I pretended to be excited for all 3 or 2 or future amounts of your engagements so fuck off. I don't even want a ceremony because it's me of all people. It's as if it's not a typical wedding if it's me. It's like it a celebration of me officially living and sleeping exclusively with one person but they know i'll still watch porn. And i don't care who knows it but i don't need a huge party set around it. That's another reason i just can't seem to care. No point in pretending for everyone else.

 

 

 

 

 

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For the sake of the man showing a misbegotten interest in spending the remainder of his waking years by your side, do him the favor of sharing your thoughts with him beforehand. I don't think anyone could engage in a lifelong commitment with someone that holds this level of benign indifference.

 

Are you actually serious about feeling this way, or is this just you being emotive and overly depressive in an online forum?

 

If after some brief self analysis you find your reasoning to resonate with the former, consider seeking professional help. I am serious about that.

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I'm not bummed because i don't want to be with my fiance. I'm bummed because there's this change in my group of friends suddenly. I didn't expect this because they know how sexually liberated i was, they know i wasn't gonna settle in my 20's or ever even. They understood this and excepted this. they never batted an eyelash if they saw me with a different person at the bar or the sushi place. They don't tell me what to do, they don't question if i am being reckless, nothing. Now i am going to finally settle with this man and they have become very toxic about it.  Up to doing very sneaky backhanded things.

 

They text or call us up to see that we're in the same location together or not, they keep trying to have conversation with him about my past that he already very much knows about but they want to keep putting it over his head. i mentioned that i wanted to knit him a piece of shit looking scarf for the fun of it because i have a shitty scarf, and this one shows up one day and drops off matching store purchased scarfs for us so the effort i put into this scarf i didn't even give him was for nothing. He asked me recently about my thoughts on a vasectomy, i never even mentioned such a thing. He thinks it's something i talked with them about and they are just now popping the topic on him like it was part of our casual girl banter. Realistically i was texting at least 2 people to see who could pick up my birth control refill for me because i got held up doing inventory. 

 

When he had his lunch schedule at work changed....  "awwww and you didn't tell me?" (i know right? you don't wanna walk past the cafe where we lunch at the wrong time? you don't have shit to do?)

 

When he's reading a book like he always did before we became exclusive.... "hey tell me all about that book that looks like an interesting book"  (that's just another war hammer gaming manuals... you see him with these codex 1-4 times....)

 

When he gave out candy on Halloween like any other fucking average person.... "oh my god you are just the best with kids! oh... it's not like Willow want's kids though right?" (that was very subtle, next time say it with i'm not within ear shot.)

 

When i was making some cocoa. "He likes his with peanut butter chips not nutella right? I remembered!" ( i fucking remembered too that's why i had the peanut butter chips right fucking there...)

 

I don't think i'm wrong to be a bit hostile about their sneaky, odd, passive aggressive behavior. They never acted like this before. Even when there was always exclusion of me, i was not really bothered cause it wasn't a thing of drama and backstabbing tendencies. It's like going backwards because now it's all immaturity and head games and we were so tame and civil when we were younger. Well not fully tame, we still drunk our asses off, smoked like it was wood stock, made bad judgments, made dumb choices, trusted the wrong people among other things. But we didn't resort to being petty to each other in the school girl fashion. 

 

It has been catching me off guard. They bother me now, maybe it's because i'm trying to really invest and care about someone now. I didn't care before, so i suppose they couldn't touch me when there was nothing I was emotionally invested in or even if they did i must not have noticed. I would remember if i did something to warrant these head games. i would remember if i crossed any lines or boundaries or broke any girl code. Maybe that's just marriage in general, people testing to take it away from you. I know that's what it is but i just didn't expect it to be people more bonded to me. I wasn't prepared for it to be them of all people. 

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So now that you've  finally graduated to sitting at the grown up table,  you're surprised that your cohort remains immature? 

 

OK.

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What ever the case is, there's no time to be looking behind me on a regular basis. I have custody of my nieces for the time again...(half brother is deployed, ex-sis in law can't stay off the cps radar) so for the most part I've been ignoring my fiance and the antics of these supposed friends. Maybe i should feel bad but i don't. I have to move us to a bigger home. Well I don't have to but i was ready to keep the kids last time. It never happened but a new bigger house could change everything. Aside from family, I don't really care if i see anyone one else again if i move away.

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Well, just always remember the kids are first always...You gotta do what you gotta do, it sounds like you got your head on straight to me....

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