Rarity Bound

[Dante]

it’s a place made by dead

led by a man with no head

it’s buried far down

far down under cemetery ground.

 

When you are lost

you may meet their host

and your body will quake

as your soul they take

 

It’s a place with no morals

not the place for a mere mortal

it’s where young people are sold

if they’re found out in the cold

 

and if you ask nicely

I might show the way

 

(Author's note: this is something a character is supposed to be saying in a fiction of mine, I'm not sure if it's quite ready yet, so, if anyone has any "suggestions" or such, they are welcome to share them)

[Amz]

it’s a place made by dead

led by a man with no head

it’s buried far down

far down under cemetery ground.

 

This part seems good, but it doesn’t flow. Poems (assuming, because it is in poem form) should be able to be said like…. Water in a pond, flowing smoothly.

 

When you are lost

you may meet their host

and your body will quake

as your soul they take

 

It’s a place with no morals

not the place for a mere mortal

it’s where young people are sold

if they’re found out in the cold

 

Try this instead: It’s a place with no morals

no place for mere mortals

it’s where young people are sold

when they’re found in the cold

 

 

 

and if you ask nicely

I might show the way

 

(Author's note: this is something a character is supposed to be saying in a fiction of mine, I'm not sure if it's quite ready yet, so, if anyone has any "suggestions" or such, they are welcome to share them)

[Panty Raid]

one or two things needs fixing. Buts besides that i really like it :'3

 

Amii >.> um all poems dnt "flow".......ithink <.<

Justsaying cause some i read dnt :/

[Dante]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

and no, lost of poems don't flow, it just depends on what guidelines you're using c:

But I prefer mine to "flow", so I'm trying to get that to work out.

[Panty Raid]

np. Lol

And its really only "its buried far down. Far down under cemterey grounds" it doesnt really click/flow

>.> just saying ithink. lol