AlexxBiteMe Posted February 26, 2012 Posted February 26, 2012 Walking over chewing gum filled floors in corridors with girls that can only be described as freakin' whores. Darkness dripping down my face trying to maintain my confidence as mascara runs all over the place. Nowhere to run, gates locked. I have no choice but to stay & be mocked. Pulling up my skull covered tights, holding my head up & reaching new heights. Others accept me once I show no fear, show them that I am who I am. I can finally wipe away that very last tear:) Improvements would be helpful:D <3
Guest Emo4Lyf Posted February 26, 2012 Posted February 26, 2012 Well.. it's a nice change from the normal kind and though I'd change a few things I do like the theme of it for sure. Second line feels a bit heavy, I'd personally try to shorten it down at least a little bit. Though I totally get why you use the word darkness it's a little overused nowadays, so I'd again, personally try to find a different way of explaining it. 6th line, opposite of 2nd feels a little light and I'd personally add an extra word. On the plus side, I do actually like it and the last four lines in particular are very nice.
AlexxBiteMe Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 New 6th line: I have nowhere to run, the gates are locked ? Maybe? And Im stuck with the 2nd line... Erm I was thinking to just shorten it to 'In corridoors with whores' but then it seems like its missing something so Im stuck:L
XxPoptartGodxX Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 My hearts locked away, bound to a shelf . In a little glass jar. Broken, cracked and on display, wounds opened by one person. By she doesn't care, that my pain, and sorrow worsen. I don't like how I ended it. I also think it should be longer. Any suggestions..?
Guest Emo4Lyf Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 New 6th line: I have nowhere to run, the gates are locked ? Maybe? And Im stuck with the 2nd line... Erm I was thinking to just shorten it to 'In corridoors with whores' but then it seems like its missing something so Im stuck:L Yeah that's better on 6th and I agree it'd be missing something if you shorted it that much, I'd mainly try to think of a way to phrase it where you snip out the "can only be described as", using it as a metaphor instead @Poptart, you should really make your own topic for that.
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